i think it’s sometimes easier for me to do big things that scare me instead of little things.
i have something called acne-rosacea which makes my cheeks blotchy (to say the least), and for a couple of years this was something i used to CRY over - i was so sure that it actually mattered how red my cheeks were. in february, i binned all my foundation/concealer. i realised i was barely able to leave the house without putting it on. i don’t like feeling dependent on ANYTHING - even a stupid liquid in a plastic bottle - so i forced myself to get the fuck over it! i haven’t worn it since, and probably won’t again. pretty cool character development.
in essence, it’s fun to try and force myself to grow in tiny ways. if i notice i am relying on something to have my confidence, i remove that thing. if i only feel sexy without pubes, i grow my pubes back.
this whole weird exercise is something i started back at that crucial time in life when kids with bad teeth are supposed to get braces, and i didn’t, for a smorgasbord of reasons. i decided to just get the fuck over it and like my smile! and i still don’t, i still won’t smile with teeth in photographs, but i don’t cover my mouth when i laugh anymore so i’m getting there!
i like to feel like i’m always growing towards a better version of myself. it may sound completely trivial to anybody who doesn’t occupy my brain, but that’s kind of the point. the triviality of them is why i think i used to just accept that i just HAD insecurities instead of methodically trying to conquer them. this isn’t flagrant egotism either! i completely acknowledge that i am flawed, but i am trying to not be held back by the flaw.
in a couple of years, i’m going to be a different person! we’re all going to be different people. the things that matter to us now will likely not matter to us then, because none of it MATTERS full stop. i find that kind of optimistic nihilism is essential.
there’s one hundred billion galaxies in the universe and the landscaping of my pubes doesn’t matter in any single one of them.
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