preface: sorry mum, i promise i’ll write it on the calendar next time
i forgot to renew my prescription for Brain-Helping medication because i’ve been busy, disorganised, and not trying hard enough to write to-do lists.
i’ve been writing a lot of happy posts here. because i’m happy. and still am, totally. but i think i need to say thank-you to Big Pharma for that. my brain as it stands is not very good at making me get up from lying on the floor. my brain, in its most honest form, just wants me to stare at a wall. it does not want me to do my washing up. it does not want me to listen to music. it wants me to exist and wait and maybe go out on the piss.
i have been very wrongly attributing a lot of my Good Brain Moments to my own self-determination to be a happy human being. i have been very wrongly under the impression that i could stop taking them anytime i fancy and would probably be alright, i just need to get round to asking the doctor about it. i like to blame bad situations for why i was Messy, not actually that maybe my brain just got built that way.
and it’s an odd thing to confront, just feeling a little bit weird. just staring at the wall and methodically writing down reasons why today was a good day. it’ll get better again in about 5 days when my prescription comes through. it’ll be better tomorrow morning when i’ve had a good nights sleep. it’ll be better in about half an hour when i coach myself into standing up and washing my dishes.