i know this is quite literally me posting my diary on the internet (nd a lazy idea for a blog post, pls forgive me), but sometimes when I’m feeling upset i like to open a google docs and absolutely stream-of-consciousness onto the page so i can give myself a little pep talk and tell myself whatever it takes to cheer me up i was reading back through a bunch of them (and enjoying the fact I couldn’t remember what I was upset about in them 90% of the time), and i found this one - my definite favourite. i don’t know quite what I’m talking about in a few places, and i’ve definitely edited out a couple of bits that would be a bit too edgy and personal nd all that. all in all though, this is a part of my brain. i really like that fucking rat cage heroin metaphor tho don’t i, jeez, i bet i felt so deep thinking of that and now it just looks like a weird joke
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“stopping is good but you have been good better than normal and better than before
so taking a break would be better than good and taking that time for yourself where you can step back and analyse what’s going on because you’re just pressing that heroin button in the rat cage and it’ll just go wrong and get frustrating and you know how it’ll go and i don’t want that this time it’s just a subtle situation of things that aren’t right or wrong necessarily they just don’t match up right now and there’s no point in expecting a lot from anyone, even yourself because it’s not going to happen or work you just need to work on taking these moments to step back and you’ve gotten so much better at knowing you haven’t ruined it and anything that can be ruined in those little moments isn’t going to last long in real life anyway
you always knew this wasn’t real or realistic and the whole thing was a big mess but you got involved anyway and i’m not sure why but you’re here and you’re now and you were happy and you will be happy as long as you lay off that rat cage heroin button and remember that you are operating in a universe that you are piloting and you exist outside of other people’s perspectives you have object permanence because you are an object and it’s cold outside but you have a coat and it’s confusing at the moment but you can shower and wash your face and make pizza for dinner and everything’s going to be all good and fine
reality can pause and start again when it’s convenient it’s paused right now i’m allowed to have an epiphany in a coffee shop and that epiphany is that i’m allowed to not be the same person at 9 o clock in the morning as i am at night and i’ve not got the same values and morals when i’m sober as when i’m drunk and i’m allowed to prioritise staying warm and hopeful instead of cold and realistic and that’s not always a bad thing because god knows i can’t ever be one of those business minded women and that’s why you chose poetry and not accountancy
good songs just make you feel love they don’t make you feel anything specific and it’s possible to love people just for being complex and that doesn’t mean you’re in love with every boy who tells you stupid facts about earthquakes and you don’t have to get drunk all the time you can just choose to be happier and more excited and enjoy the music and tomorrow is a busy day so you have to get up early and face reality instead of crying in bed all hungover and mopey because you’re a waste of space at times but so’s everyone because nobody’s meant to be here and this is self care and self love because i am accepting that nobody is anyone’s favourite because we’re ever shifting and it’s good to keep your guard up because the world is a mess and it’s good to try get up early enough to do your hair but it’s fucking chill if you can’t and that’s all there really is to it
so what’s my day gonna be - it’s gonna be finishing this coffee and it’s gonna be staying here a little longer than you need to because it’s warm and you’re comfy and you can listen to good music and buy another coffee if you want you aren’t paying rent on being content for a while
you can go buy christmas presents
then have a shower
you can wash your face properly and dress up nice
it’s gonna be a happy time because i’m forcing it and maybe it’ll be a mess but maybe i like the mess a bit, or why would i even still be here"