i'm not capable of delayed gratification. it's like that part of my development got snipped out entirely, and i can't portion my way through a bag of chocolates, or have any empathy for my future self when i'm wasted and not drinking water before going to bed. it means i'm exceptionally good at spontaneity, but it also means i can accidentally mess people around a bit. impromptu night out? always. i've got lunch plans with a friend the next day? pardon me as i keep popping to the wagamama's loos to retch and rest my head against the cold sink.
it's something i kind of love and hate about myself, because it's something i've cultivated from my own volition. i have a family who are wonderfully UNspontaneous (is this a word?) and who need a good weeks notice on every adventure. this is how they work, operate, and remain happy - i have absolutely no qualms with it - but i also decided i wanted to be the opposite. so i forced myself out of my comfort zone enough until this relentless YESing to every possible plan because who i was through and through.
my identity is definitely cobbled together based on very definite sources. i am ridiculously self aware, and sometimes this is annoying. sometimes i just feel incredibly dense, because everybody who wrote any 'mental health' book ever tries to force you to live in the moment like this little phrase is the shibboleth of finding contentment in your life, like everyone who knows how to live in the moment has it all sorted out. i pay attention to people who are spontaneous and fun and try to attach that part of them to who i am, so people will like me (isn't that what it's all about really), but oftentimes it backfires and people wish i thought about things in the long-term a bit more. i never really like to think too much about the future because i never want my careful plans to be ruined by something like me getting hit by a truck and losing both my legs. i can't control the future, it's just a big messy blob that's floating in front of me and reminding me that it's not really possible to make a career out of writing and that i should probably look into something practical. but i'm sticking my fingers in my ears about that one for a while.
sooo maybe it's all avoidance and i'm just shutting my eyes when i have to consider consequences. or maybe it's being ~young and free~ like all the weird 2012 tumblr posts. or maybe somebody just needs to teach me how to portion control a pack of digestives.
thanks for listening. this was cathartic and probably very very boring.
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