(cover art credits to falseknees.com / @falseknees on instagram)
there’s definitely a huge stereotype about artists, creatives in general and how they often tend to be very emotional people. or tortured souls, you know, the lord byron aesthetic. i think at times i have found this stereotype comforting. when i have been really messed up, i have enjoyed having some kind of positive to find in the situation. it gave me some kind of validation.
but lord byron was just a strange, horny man and definitely not somebody to aspire to be like. and as things in my life have been getting increasingly more settled, more happy, more positive, i was latently concerned that i would be less creative. in some ways, this has happened. i am less inclined to write poetry about things that evoke strong feelings in me because it feels disingenuous when i am not experiencing that kind of emotional peak anymore.
however, i still feel big emotions in different avenues. much less despair, much less chaos, and a lot more contentment. sometimes i feel so peaceful and content that it feels like my body is an oven and my heart is a loaf of bread rising up.
over quarantine, i have been less inspired to write in the way that i used to write. i have been totally self-indulgent in writing anime fanfictions that bring me a lot of joy, i have created things that have absolutely no purpose or direction and are just for my sincere satisfaction. this is very different to the routine i got myself into while i was at uni. but it is much more in line with the much younger me who fell in love with making up stories.
i have been enjoying writing non-fiction. i have been enjoying doing lots of research for my Masters. i think ideas like this can be creative in a way that before, i wouldn’t have been as capable of. i wasn’t very good at concentrating, and at discipline. right now, i am pretty good at those things. i am better at learning. i am better at sticking with things that interest me without all of the intensity. i can take things slowly and thoroughly, and perceive them more holistically. it is kind of interesting how these things have changed.
me and liv went to see neil hilborn in bristol back in our...second year? maybe? or start of third? uni is a total timeline fuck. but i remember him saying that many of his poems were very sad, but that shouldn’t discourage any of us from writing happy ones. ‘please write happy poems!’ he yells at the room. at the time, i was pretty tickled by this. now, i think he was probably right to emphasise the importance of that.
i still enjoy edgy things, of course. that’s a different kettle of fish. you’d have to prise irvine welsh’s books out of my cold, dead hands before i stopped loving the grimey hellscape of it all. but my creative output is definitely more nuanced now. i can see both sides, and before i was actually quite limited.
pssst. if you’ve read all the way to the bottom, please go to the following websites and change the world:
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/politics/a32867836/black-trans-lives-matter-how-to-help-protest-donate/
https://gic.nhs.uk/info-support/support-groups-and-resources/
https://www.change.org/p/andy-beshear-justice-for-breonna-taylor
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