messy

i broke my phone about a week ago, and all my ancient icloud photos have been gradually seeping their way into my new, temporary phone. some photos are ones i forgotten i’d saved back when i was about 15, and was very sad. it’s a lot of those cutesy, self-care comics - ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘nobody said that it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it’, you know the type, you kind of expect to see them in wilkos on a wooden plaque to hang on your wall. bit grim

my mum and i had a tendency to clash over these sorts of things when i was at my Peak Angst stage. my mum is a strong believer in self-help books with beautiful covers that show you how to find happiness in your saddest days. my problems are definitely better solved by a GP. that said, all broken brains get fixed differently. i’d actually forgotten that 6 years ago, i used to scour pinterest for promises of ‘everything is going to be okay’, and that it actually used to make me feel better. this was a cool moment of empathy. i love how my mum has gotten calmer and better because of taking time to herself, meditating, reading.

i imagine this perfect future (which is partially inspired by this weird mental health comic i saw about a wolf making croissants? but i couldn’t find it when i was writing this post which makes me feel like i hallucinated it) where i can get up in the morning, make a cute breakfast, go to work, come home, have a shower, and read in bed. that’s all! maybe at weekends i’ll paint. or make cakes. or have a pet long dog i can take for long walks.

there’s a lot of things i’m bad at, and sticking to this way of thinking is one of them. in about a month, i’ll want something more impulsive and spontaneous, probably. i have problems with limits. i have a brain pattern that goes

- do something impulsive.

- have fun.

- someone is hurt.

- i apologise.

- decide to be more controlled in myself.

- have less fun.

- people are happier with me, though.

- start to resent them.

- get paranoid they’re trying to control me.

- act out.

- do something impulsive.

and it’s very, VERY toxic for everyone around me, i’m sure. i'm trying to beat it to death with a stick

i like the idea of everyone liking me, but this year i’m making peace with the fact that’s not how existing works. i make bad choices, and upset people! so they can be mad at me! good! i’d be mad at me too. i’m also trying to be more honest! i’m trying to prioritise everything correctly! i’m trying to express more gratitude to the people who have been above and beyond wonderful to me for years on end! (love u liv) (love u ceri)! i’m trying to use social media less because i think it warps how i think about things! i’m trying!