2018 is almost over and i feel like my life is stuck in a skittering movie reel because i seem to be concluding the same things each year
- pee after sex, for the love of god
- put water by your bed when you’re drunk for when you wake up feeling like shit at 6am
- everything will be okay. just wait out the sad bits
but every new years i wake up (hungover, without water by my bed) and go down the same paths like a 3 year old running full pelt towards the stairs. this will end on an optimistic note, i promise, but i feel like 90% of the time i’m not making any actual progress in my life i keep getting sad, going to the doctors to tell them i’m sad, then not taking the medication they give me. i keep going to therapy and putting the cbt sheets on top of my bookshelf to never re-read.
sometimes i love being alive, i get so UP and convinced that this withnail and i aesthetic mess that i’m letting myself live in is how artists should live
i love the chaos and the mess, the walks of shame, the hangovers, the emotional parts it’s tricky to go against this up, because i’m just so happy to feel up again. and then i’m drinking two bottles of wine and it isn’t actually getting me drunk because my tolerance is building back up again and i know that’s a bad thing but god, isn’t it so edgy and aesthetically pleasing to drink wine from the bottle?
however, there is a 10%
this year i have built up the confidence to exercise in a gym for the first time in my life! i don’t go regularly, but when i do go, i feel proud of myself. so that’s something
this year i have cooked more meals from scratch. i have tried to eat things that aren’t just pesto pasta! incredible
this year i have started taking jackets on a nightout instead of risking hypothermia! who knew that cloakroom is literally £2 and means i’ll walk home happy instead of teeth-chattering and contemplating if i’ll even make it back alive
this year, i left the country for the first time in my entire life! i had my first plane trip all on my own! my flight got cancelled, delayed, rearranged and i was a champ about it. i phoned the airline and dealt with it all myself.
i’ve gotten braver! i can take criticism better, i’ve started smiling properly in photographs despite my teeth, and i’ve learnt a lot more about who i am. i don’t feel like i’m searching anymore, i feel like i know!
my poetry has gotten better! i keep getting published!
my skin has gotten better! i gave up foundation!
sometimes i do still forget to eat lunch, but now when things go wrong i tend to laugh about it instead of crying. i am more at peace with the person i am, and i can work on the bad bits objectively.
i don’t think 2019 will be the best year of my life, but i’m going to graduate. i’m going to write more letters to my friends to tell them that i care about them. i’m going to try and spend more time playing the new animal crossing game than i spend bent double in a moos toilet.
i’m going to be 10% of a better person after next year too
and a huge thank-you to the people who make me laugh, who answer my ‘let’s get drunk’ texts with ‘fuck yes’, the people who tell me when i’m being an idiot, and the people who read these big dumb diary posts
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