nothing matters and everything matters

it’s easy to believe in the serendipitous power of the universe. when i write a poem and have that feeling of excitement - i’ve just ‘created something’ - i convince myself this is WHY i was put on this earth! to write! it’s so easy to have the pretention of believing that is why things are the way they are, that there is some MEANING to the fact that i have such intense feelings about outputting niche little poems. i bounce between bathing in the supposed importance of everything, and languishing in the nihilism of understanding my insignificance. 

sometimes, i am content with the idea of contentment. i picture myself living simply, working a nondescript job, coming home and drinking tea and writing poems on the back of till receipts. sometimes, i am obsessed with the concept of chaos. i remember that i can just cut my own hair over the sink, so i will. i remember glass can break so i smash it. i remember that if book a plane ticket, i can fuck off and go somewhere brand new. i could live the up and down, unsustainable life of an artist - a writer - a self-important egotist who gets by on next to nothing but they’re radiating PASSION. i’m sure if i lived like that, i would bitterly miss the comfort of coming home and drinking tea.

i got the sun tattooed on me recently, because i’m the happiest i’ve ever been. the sun has cropped up a lot in everything i write, this idea of a sunrise coming eventually and making me happy. the sun burning inside some facet of my brain, the fact it is warm and bright, also dangerous and doomed to self-destruct. i like the sun! i like the fact in a galaxy, there are one hundred million suns. i like the fact that there are roughly two trillion galaxies in the universe as we know it. therefore, there are a fuckton of suns. we were made from the dead bodies of suns, and our dead bodies will end up being eaten by the sun. nothing matters at all, especially not my big feelings, but they are everything to me and i am excited for the future. i am excited to bounce between chaos and contentment. i am excited