around about this time last year, i was SAD in a very big way. and i remember telling my therapist about this for the first time with all the gory details and lots of ugly tears and her waiting for ages then saying 'well, you definitely do seem to feel things a LOT'
and for ages i used to think that was kind of a good thing. like it's cool isn't it, that i can listen to something like a song that means so MUCH to me that i can't handle the actual emotions of it and i start crying and i can't explain how or what i'm feeling but it's just a lot of EVERYTHING and hey maybe it's not just songs that make me feel that way, maybe it's paintings, and maybe it's books, so then maybe i just have a creative mind which is surely a GOOD THING right? like synaesthesia? and all those intrusive thoughts that pop into my head are jolly good and fun when they're positive ones about how i could explode and burn from being so IN THAT MOMENT and on fire. but then also sometimes it just happens, just because i'm alive, and i'm there on my bedroom floor feeling everything so much that it feels like i have entire civilisations living inside my heart and my brain and i can feel all their feelings too. and that's not a good thing because then it's not that i feel good, it's that i feel EVERYTHING, and everything isn't good, because then once i've used up all the dopamine and serotonin it all goes the other direction and you get the picture. it's not fun for anyone. sorry to everyone who's seen how messy and awful my room gets when it's going the other way
OKAY SO THE TITLE MAKES SENSE because i'm talking about this post that i shared on facebook about this time last year
and it's funny i shared it because i shared it when i was feeling the exact opposite of that way, i shared it when i was honestly sleeping 2 hours a night and eating cold ready-meal mashed potato on my bedroom floor with a fork because my brain wasn't making any happy chemicals anymore and i really couldn't imagine finding happiness ever again (pardon the melodrama but it's totally warranted. it was SHIT) (also sorry mum and dad, deffo won't do it again)
the entire point of this post was to say, hey, i'm an edgy student with a brain that needs help getting through the day and i'm horrifying ashamed of it and will probably regret posting this but maybe if we stopped being embarrassed about this stuff we could get the help earlier for it all. maybe if half the population of earth didn't just tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and perpetuating this idea that feeling this way is in any way our fault or a weakness or anything other than just having a brain that's got the wires fucked up. there's a whole spectrum of mental health that everyone's too frightened to address because you can't ignore someone who's screaming as easily as you can ignore someone who's crying quietly.
and also, perhaps most of all, i had a good few days in the sun recently where i remembered making that post about the dog, because i actually felt that happy, and content. i felt like i really truly had a physical, visceral idea of a future i was gonna have.
thanks to everyone who's ever put up with me being a MESS. continually working on it.
Comments