i’m always stuck in a limbo of excitement, and worry about the fact that time is constantly ebbing past. we’re one month closer to christmas, one month gone of my last uni year. i hate that from the second i wake up in the morning, the moments i spend comfortable in bed are shrinking my day. i am torn between taking the slow, mindful time to enjoy and cherish a moment - and the fact that taking half an hour to sit by the window and listen to music i love is half an hour that i could have created something with. i want to draw more. i want to write more. i want to cook more. i want to go for walks, find new places, explore new cafes, read new books. there is so much that i want to fit into my life and i think that time is my enemy there.
conversely, i am my own enemy. i am very capable of hyper-fixating on stardew valley and letting 3 (ahem, maybe 8) hours pass by without anything physically being achieved. i am guilty of making things take too long. i could fit in so much more if i just took time out of the things i draw out. if i got up the second i woke up, i could have an extra half an hour in my day where i could make more of an effort to look nicer in the mornings. i could get stuff DONE before breakfast.
have i been totally brainwashed to associate productivity with a fulfilling life? perhaps.
i have a constantly evolving idea of who i want to be when i grow up, and i’m scared to think that maybe i can never get there because i’m too busy with other things. maybe i’m caught up in some game of cat and mouse where i’m chasing the ‘ideal life’ that was never meant to be real, an infinite time loop. time is a flat circle and all that.
then again, i have a lot i do now that i was aspiring towards a few years ago. growing is slow !!